I wrote this a while back.....

I think everyone should spend a year or two working in the food service industry. Really. Then maybe. Just maybe we'd all understand. But since I'm sure that will never, ever happen, here's a few tips for those of you too pansy to put on a pair of non-slip shoes or an apron....

1. Yes, i know you're coke is 2/3's empty. Or maybe you're ready for another round of some rediculously named and complicated to pour shots for you and your 23 friends stacked up at the bar rail. Uh huh. Your ketchup is empty. There's a waterspot on your spoon. You want me to put on some obscure college football game and piss off the other customers......I know. I know. But what you don't know is that these things usually happen all night long. Simultaneously. Take a look around. You are not the only person at the rail. I will get to you. And trust me. It will be in a prompt and pleasant manner.

2. We absolutely love it when you snap, shout, point, and tap your credit card. Just about as much as we love spitting in your drink.

3. Just because I don't have to entertain you for hours on end does not mean not one shred of effort went into your 15 to go orders of fish and chips on my part. We step away from our customers to answer the phone. take the order. Ring it in. Package it. Have it ready and waiting. In the midst of snapping, shouting, pointing, and credit card tapping we take care of you. Please. Tips are more than appreciated.

4. And while we're on tips... You can be absolutely assured that we give bad tippers the same service as good tippers. Haha. Just like you can be absolutely assured its snowing in hell. Right now. Really.

General rule of thumb? Try a dollar per drink poured. If there's food involved...20% will keep you in our good graces. And here's a secret. Just because the price of beer has gone up does not mean our wages have. In fact, just because minimum wage has gone up, doesn't mean OUR wages have.

FACT: Your local bartender makes $2.65 an hour. Have mercy.

5. Chew and screws? Dine and Dashes? Who the hell think pays for your meal or your drinks if you don't? Yep. You better hope i don't bump into you on the street.

6. If your bartender pours you some strange random shot or drink and you absolutely LOVE it and are sure you'll order it again some day in the future. ASK THEM WHATS IN IT! For example there are at least fifteen ways to make a Sex on the Beach. So you want a Fuzzy Purple Nipple The Hard Way? Great. I have NO IDEA what you're talking about. Next!

7. So you know that extra side of mayo, extra celery, and steak knife you requested on three separate occasions one right after another? Yeah, there went my bathroom break. Thanks buddy. Let's try to be a little more organized next time.

8. You want separate checks. Tell us you want separate checks. Do not expect us to memorize who had what between you and your five buddies and be able to separate it within fifteen seconds when you're drunk spinny ass decides its time for another DUI.

9. Speaking of DUI's. Your bartender reserves the right to refuse you service. Regardless. If we offer you water, there's a reason. And please DO NOT get angry or argue with us about it. We want you to come back, not end up in the hospital.

10. So its finally your turn. You're feeling impatient. You want to get your drink on. You've been waiting a full 3 minutes. And then you turn to your friends to try and figure out what everyone wants to drink. Chances are I won't be there when you turn around. BE PREPARED FOLKS!

11. No I.D. No Drink. No Joke. I need my job more than your 18 year old girlfriend needs that vodka and cranberry. Trust me.

12. By the way. Not only are we making your drinks. We are making every customer in the restaurants drinks. So even if there are only ten of you at the rail. That by no means does not mean we are not busy. Please refrain from tapping. snapping. etc. And if you don't? Please don't wonder why you're left waiting for your next beer.

13. If i get the slightest inkling you may not plan on making good on your tab before leaving, trust me, every big fella on staff has been alerted. We have our eye on you. And I have no shame in chasing your ass out into the parking lot.

14. Please, do not get offended if i cannot give you my 100% full attention. I love my customers. Really I do. But if you're feeling emotionally needy call up your best friend, or Dr. Phil. I am working, and its not that I don't necessary feel like being your psychiatrist for the day, but I have other people to take care of too.

15. So you like your bartender. A LOT. Like enough that maybe you'd like to get aquainted with them outside of work. Here's some advice: Coming in and getting sloshed every night they're working will not impress them. Trust me.

16. We do not need you tell to tell us we're beautiful. We do not need you to tell us we have a nice ass. We do not need you to embarrass yourself in front of other customers by talking about all of the dirty dirty things you'd do to us if you had the chance. We do not need your number. And we definitely do not need your shitty ass attitude the next time you come and and we havent called you.

If I had as many dollars thrown at me as phone numbers i could probably afford to start taking days off.

I am your bartender. Hell, you can even consider me your friend. But by no means do i EVER EVER owe you my number or a phone call or my company outside or after work. EVER. Do not wait for me to get off. Do not follow me out of the bar after my shift. Its been done before. And I carry mace.

17. Learn your bartenders name. They learn yours. Hell if you're in once a week, we'll have your drink on the counter and order rang in before your butt even touches the stool.

18. You get what you pay for, or you PAY FOR WHAT YOU GET. Do not ask nor expect me to hook you up. Restaurants keep close tabs on liquor and beer costs. And when numbers add up we get held responsible.

19. No. We don't want to hear about your colonoscopy, or the cute scarf you knitted. But we will still smile and nod. Its our job.

20. By state law all customers have to be out of the building by 2:30 a.m. That does not mean we want you there that late. We have families we'd like to get home to. Bathroom and smoke breaks we'd finally like to take. Other jobs to work in the morning. Folks. Please. Just. Go. HOME.

21. If you haven't seen your server for a while, and its somewhere around 4 or 5 in the evening chances are its shift change. Chances are you've been there for far longer than is appropriate. Chances are they are sitting somewhere in back smoking their 15th cigarette waiting for you to leave bouncing their head off the wall and cursing humanity.

22. The same goes for your bartenders. We can leave before you do. Sure. But how appropriate does it seem for you to tip our relief when you've already been there three hours and they'll only wait on you for the next half after I've walked out the door?

If you notice your bartender is packing up to go, cash out with them. Start a new tab with the next. We will NEVER ask you to do this. But we will never forget you for it when you do.

23. By the way. Since there seems to be some sort of rumor going around....

We are not ALL idiots. Many of us are smart, wonderful, life-loving people who actually enjoy what we do. Do not treat us like we are beneath you. Do not degrade us. Do not assume that we are working in a restaurant only because we are incapable of getting a REAL JOB and have to. And above all of that, do not ever refer to us as a "Good little bitch..." when we light your cigarettes for you, or know just when to pour your next beer.

But you all already knew this stuff, right?

Much love to all my fellow Mongolians and Bailey's Bartenders. <3
Feel free to add and pass it on. lol. :)