I wrote this a while back.....

I think everyone should spend a year or two working in the food service industry. Really. Then maybe. Just maybe we'd all understand. But since I'm sure that will never, ever happen, here's a few tips for those of you too pansy to put on a pair of non-slip shoes or an apron....

1. Yes, i know you're coke is 2/3's empty. Or maybe you're ready for another round of some rediculously named and complicated to pour shots for you and your 23 friends stacked up at the bar rail. Uh huh. Your ketchup is empty. There's a waterspot on your spoon. You want me to put on some obscure college football game and piss off the other customers......I know. I know. But what you don't know is that these things usually happen all night long. Simultaneously. Take a look around. You are not the only person at the rail. I will get to you. And trust me. It will be in a prompt and pleasant manner.

2. We absolutely love it when you snap, shout, point, and tap your credit card. Just about as much as we love spitting in your drink.

3. Just because I don't have to entertain you for hours on end does not mean not one shred of effort went into your 15 to go orders of fish and chips on my part. We step away from our customers to answer the phone. take the order. Ring it in. Package it. Have it ready and waiting. In the midst of snapping, shouting, pointing, and credit card tapping we take care of you. Please. Tips are more than appreciated.

4. And while we're on tips... You can be absolutely assured that we give bad tippers the same service as good tippers. Haha. Just like you can be absolutely assured its snowing in hell. Right now. Really.

General rule of thumb? Try a dollar per drink poured. If there's food involved...20% will keep you in our good graces. And here's a secret. Just because the price of beer has gone up does not mean our wages have. In fact, just because minimum wage has gone up, doesn't mean OUR wages have.

FACT: Your local bartender makes $2.65 an hour. Have mercy.

5. Chew and screws? Dine and Dashes? Who the hell think pays for your meal or your drinks if you don't? Yep. You better hope i don't bump into you on the street.

6. If your bartender pours you some strange random shot or drink and you absolutely LOVE it and are sure you'll order it again some day in the future. ASK THEM WHATS IN IT! For example there are at least fifteen ways to make a Sex on the Beach. So you want a Fuzzy Purple Nipple The Hard Way? Great. I have NO IDEA what you're talking about. Next!

7. So you know that extra side of mayo, extra celery, and steak knife you requested on three separate occasions one right after another? Yeah, there went my bathroom break. Thanks buddy. Let's try to be a little more organized next time.

8. You want separate checks. Tell us you want separate checks. Do not expect us to memorize who had what between you and your five buddies and be able to separate it within fifteen seconds when you're drunk spinny ass decides its time for another DUI.

9. Speaking of DUI's. Your bartender reserves the right to refuse you service. Regardless. If we offer you water, there's a reason. And please DO NOT get angry or argue with us about it. We want you to come back, not end up in the hospital.

10. So its finally your turn. You're feeling impatient. You want to get your drink on. You've been waiting a full 3 minutes. And then you turn to your friends to try and figure out what everyone wants to drink. Chances are I won't be there when you turn around. BE PREPARED FOLKS!

11. No I.D. No Drink. No Joke. I need my job more than your 18 year old girlfriend needs that vodka and cranberry. Trust me.

12. By the way. Not only are we making your drinks. We are making every customer in the restaurants drinks. So even if there are only ten of you at the rail. That by no means does not mean we are not busy. Please refrain from tapping. snapping. etc. And if you don't? Please don't wonder why you're left waiting for your next beer.

13. If i get the slightest inkling you may not plan on making good on your tab before leaving, trust me, every big fella on staff has been alerted. We have our eye on you. And I have no shame in chasing your ass out into the parking lot.

14. Please, do not get offended if i cannot give you my 100% full attention. I love my customers. Really I do. But if you're feeling emotionally needy call up your best friend, or Dr. Phil. I am working, and its not that I don't necessary feel like being your psychiatrist for the day, but I have other people to take care of too.

15. So you like your bartender. A LOT. Like enough that maybe you'd like to get aquainted with them outside of work. Here's some advice: Coming in and getting sloshed every night they're working will not impress them. Trust me.

16. We do not need you tell to tell us we're beautiful. We do not need you to tell us we have a nice ass. We do not need you to embarrass yourself in front of other customers by talking about all of the dirty dirty things you'd do to us if you had the chance. We do not need your number. And we definitely do not need your shitty ass attitude the next time you come and and we havent called you.

If I had as many dollars thrown at me as phone numbers i could probably afford to start taking days off.

I am your bartender. Hell, you can even consider me your friend. But by no means do i EVER EVER owe you my number or a phone call or my company outside or after work. EVER. Do not wait for me to get off. Do not follow me out of the bar after my shift. Its been done before. And I carry mace.

17. Learn your bartenders name. They learn yours. Hell if you're in once a week, we'll have your drink on the counter and order rang in before your butt even touches the stool.

18. You get what you pay for, or you PAY FOR WHAT YOU GET. Do not ask nor expect me to hook you up. Restaurants keep close tabs on liquor and beer costs. And when numbers add up we get held responsible.

19. No. We don't want to hear about your colonoscopy, or the cute scarf you knitted. But we will still smile and nod. Its our job.

20. By state law all customers have to be out of the building by 2:30 a.m. That does not mean we want you there that late. We have families we'd like to get home to. Bathroom and smoke breaks we'd finally like to take. Other jobs to work in the morning. Folks. Please. Just. Go. HOME.

21. If you haven't seen your server for a while, and its somewhere around 4 or 5 in the evening chances are its shift change. Chances are you've been there for far longer than is appropriate. Chances are they are sitting somewhere in back smoking their 15th cigarette waiting for you to leave bouncing their head off the wall and cursing humanity.

22. The same goes for your bartenders. We can leave before you do. Sure. But how appropriate does it seem for you to tip our relief when you've already been there three hours and they'll only wait on you for the next half after I've walked out the door?

If you notice your bartender is packing up to go, cash out with them. Start a new tab with the next. We will NEVER ask you to do this. But we will never forget you for it when you do.

23. By the way. Since there seems to be some sort of rumor going around....

We are not ALL idiots. Many of us are smart, wonderful, life-loving people who actually enjoy what we do. Do not treat us like we are beneath you. Do not degrade us. Do not assume that we are working in a restaurant only because we are incapable of getting a REAL JOB and have to. And above all of that, do not ever refer to us as a "Good little bitch..." when we light your cigarettes for you, or know just when to pour your next beer.

But you all already knew this stuff, right?

Much love to all my fellow Mongolians and Bailey's Bartenders. <3
Feel free to add and pass it on. lol. :)

So Do Ku

Sometimes you get so bored at work that you and a manger slam through a crossword puzzle in less than an hour. Sometimes you're so bored you even move on to multiple games of (unfinished) so do ku.

Hooray for sundays.

He's a real pro at the art of douchebaggery....

It's not all fun folks, and sometimes you have to put down the bar towel and deal with the technicality of things. Someday, this could happen to you. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.


On *****-

I first met **** last spring. He frequented ***** after work, was relatively quiet, and liked to talk about his family, job, and eventually his divorce. Then his conversations turned to discussions about his ex-wife, women, etc. He began demanding my full attention and would often get mad when I engaged in conversation with other bar guests, getting visibly irritated and vocal about it. He made several attempts to begin an out of work relationship with me, promising to take me anywhere I wanted to go, buy me anything I wanted to have, etc. On several occasions he would attempt to slip me money, usually in the form of twenty-dollar bills, which I never took. All of his advances were politely declined.

Sometime during the fall, **** stopped coming into ****.

Then, early this winter he showed up on a Sunday evening. He was already seated at the bar when I started my shift. I said my hellos to the other guests and made my way over to him to see how he had been. He told me he had been sick, and out of town for work. We talked for a few minutes; I served him another beer, and then proceeded to take care of the other bar guests. I’m guessing this agitated him, because as I made my way back over to him his entire demeanor had changed. He appeared angry, fidgety, and burst out with “What the hell are you still doing working in a dump like this? ” To which I simply replied that I liked working at ****, enjoyed bartending, my co-workers, guests, etc. He attempted to argue with me, saying I was better than ****, etc. Again, my only response was that I liked working there. He started getting loud, said that he felt uncomfortable, and demanded to be cashed out immediately. I did as he asked, and on his way out he approached the morning bartender who was off the clock and sitting with friends. He then very audibly told **** that he “…hates the fucking bitches that work here…” and stormed out the door. Several other guests and employees were witness to his outburst and were just as surprised as I was by it.

Months went by before I saw **** again.

It was a Saturday evening and I was walking in to start my shift. I saw ****, we made eye contact, and he promptly made a beeline for the closest manager. I saw him gesturing in my direction, and assumed the discussion was about me, though the manager he spoke with never approached me about their conversation. Throughout the night I was approached by several other employees, telling me that he had made statements to them about hating me, called me a bitch, a skank, etc. He even went as far as to approach the bar and bad-mouth me to the other bartender while I stood right there.

He came in the next night and did the same thing.

In fact, he has made it a point to say degrading things about me to other employees, and stand within earshot to say unwarranted and insulting things about me to other guests. This happens every time he comes in-which over the past few weeks has been much more frequently.

Upon the last night **** was a guest in ****, he discussed with **** the fact that he slanders myself and another employee, ****, intentionally. He premeditated an altercation with **** later that night. This began with him following her around the restaurant, and ended with him yelling, inches from her face, “Fuck you bitch!” (among other things) and storming out of the building. He then texted ****, the employee whom he had discussed his plan with, saying things along the lines of “…I showed that bitch…” and looking for congratulations of some sort.
**** is a thirty-seven year old man, recently divorced, potentially dealing with some serious emotional issues. He intentionally targets, antagonizes, slanders, and harasses **** employees who share nothing more in common to trigger this than refusing to begin a relationship with him outside of work.
I feel extremely uncomfortable when he is in the building and worry about the lengths he will go to in order to upset **** and myself since his actions escalate upon every visit. I am also worried about the damage he is doing to my reputation within the company and with other guests.
More so, I am disappointed with the fact that it is implied that **** and I should just put-up with this type of harassment so that the restaurant can continue to allow him service. His actions are out of line, unwarranted, and honestly make me feel unsafe in the workplace.
Our restaurant is full of amazing guests and employees who are just as upset by his behavior as myself.
I am hoping that the documentation of my interactions with him will help to keep him out of our restaurant and put an end to all of this.

Thanks.

If there is anything else I need to do in regards to this, please let me know.

Do you make housecalls?

Some people will come up with the strangest schemes to get your phone number...like offer to pay to you to bartend a house party that in reality would probably turn out to be some guy and three of his friends. (I do not recommend this, unless you're comfortable with making "outcalls".)

However should a valid opportunity arise, say, to bartend a wedding, a bar mitzfah, a graduation party, etc., there are some key questions to ask before you get suckered into the gig.

How many people will be attending?
How many hours are you expected to work?
Will you be getting tipped by the guests?
What will you be serving? (keg beer, bottles, mixed drinks, etc.)
Will you have to bring your own equipment? (Tins, strainers, pourers, garnishes, glassware, etc.)
How will the payment arrangements be made?

Also, you should probably inquire about underage drinking at the event....just as a sidenote. (And if you're the kind of bartender ok with getting a twelve year old drunk, you're probably cool with "outcalls" too, eh?)

Onto rates....
Just because you make less than minimum wage hourly at work, does not mean that is acceptable for other events.

Lets use an outdoor summer wedding as an example, where you are expected to serve a full range of drinks, bottled beer, wine, bring your own equipment, glassware, and guests (there's 300 expected) are allowed to tip. Your services have been requested for at least six hours, not including set up, and clean up.

Considering you will be providing yourself with everything you need to work, aside from a table and the actual alcohol, anywhere from fifty to one hundred an hour wouldn't be asking to much (keep in mind, guests will be tipping at this wedding though, so personally I'd stick closer to fifty an hour.) I usually take into consideration the eventual breakage of glassware, costs of garnishes, mixers, etc., and break that down into the hourly rate as well.

Simple enough, eh?

Now that the money's been dealt with, make sure to take care of yourself....
If you show up to work a 'party' and there are activities occurring that you are not comfortable with, (i.e. excessive drug use, strippers, underage drinking, etc.) You have the right to terminate your services. Just remember, you don't have management or a great big bouncer named Bubba to have your back, so be as polite as you possibly can about your discomfort and make a quick exit.

Also, just because somehow the term "bartender" and "stripper/dancer/hooker/slut" manage to blend together in some idiots heads, does not mean you should ever be expected to do more than pour drinks and be polite to guests.

Right? Right.


Na zdrowie. Vivat!

Pre-Shift Rituals

Football players stretch.
Surgeons scrub down.
The law holsters up.

Me?
A double shot of Evan Williams on the rocks, a cigarette, and the Darkness's "I Believe In a Thing Called Love" do the trick.

Sometimes you need a bit of a push to get social.

CHEERS!

The almighty jigger....

"jigger, jigger, jigger!"


I hear it at least once a night. Twice, if I'm not scanning for management well enough. There's even a saying, though i have no idea where it originated, "no jigger, no chit, no job," that shows up on our costs board each week. And like that catchy little phrase, an hour of google hasn't managed to shed light on the origination of that little measurement tool from hell. For those of you lucky enough to be sitting out there saying "What's a jigger?" I'll explain.

It's a measurement tool. Hour glass shaped and stainless steel, it commonly comes with sides measuring 1 1/4 and 3/4 liquid ounces.

In short - every bartender's worst nightmare.

It eliminates the flash, the skill, the showmanship of the gig. It slows you down. It pisses you off. It makes you look goofy as hell pouring shots into a tin. And its spreading...

No wonder it shares its name with a parasitic flea.

The story you are about to hear is true...

...only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Night shifts. Keg lifts. Bottles by the box.
My daily grind is oft considered an 'alternative' life style. It always amazes me how people who have never worked in a restaurant, let alone behind a bar, find it all to be so alien and interesting. Above all - glamorous.

So, by popular demand, I bring you (drumroll please!) the Bartender Diaries.

And trust me folks, its not all strobe lights, cute guys, and good music.

Quote of the day: "I think everyone should go to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cab driver. Then they would really be educated." - Al McGuire

Ain't that the truth.